Not Every Problem Needs You To Solve It
The right response begins with understanding what the other person actually needs.
Read on kevferrell.com
Welcome to REWIRE | REBOOT, a weekly newsletter where I share reflections from my ongoing personal growth journey and provide tested ideas, frameworks, tools and practices to help you create the life you want.
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In this issue:
- Rewire - Listen Before You Solve
- One Action - Ask Before You Answer
- Reboot - Less Protein, Longer Life?
- Recommended - “Determining Optimal Protein Intake from Data, Not Dogmatism”
Rewire - Idea I'm Exploring
Listen Before You Solve
Recently, my wife was telling me about a challenge at work.
I was listening, but not really.
My mind was occupied with something else. Instead of putting my own thoughts on pause and giving her my full attention, I found myself waiting for the conversation to end. That energy was obvious, and she rightfully called me out on it.
Then I made it worse by jumping directly to what I thought was the obvious solution:
“You know what to do so why don’t you just hurry up and do it?”
To me, it was a simple, logical answer. It was also completely beside the point.
She had not asked me to solve the problem. She wanted me to hear her.
I realized my mistake and apologized: “My bad.” I explained that my mind had been preoccupied with something that did not really matter and that I had shifted into problem-solving mode when I should have simply been listening.
This is something I have been working on for a while.
I am naturally a problem solver. I can be overly logical, and my instinct is usually to identify the issue, find the quickest and most efficient solution, and move on.
If a problem can be fixed, why would we not fix it?
Because a solution is not always what the other person needs.
Sometimes they already know what to do. They may need to work it out for themselves. Or they may simply want someone to understand why it’s difficult, frustrating, or upsetting.
Knowing when to just listen versus offering solutions is an important skill.
A useful way to approach these moments within a relationship is to ask whether the person wants to be heard, helped, or hugged.
Heard means they want your attention and understanding. They are not asking for your analysis, your counterpoint, or the story of the time the same thing happened to you. They want space to talk without having to defend how they feel.
Helped means they want ideas, practical assistance, or another perspective. This is the moment for questions, suggestions, and possible solutions.
Hugged means they want comfort, reassurance, or to know you are there for them. That might be a literal hug, but it can also be quiet support and encouragement.
It’s not a perfect framework. Someone may need a combination of all three, and what they need can change as the conversation unfolds. But the question is useful because it interrupts the assumption that our preferred way of responding is automatically the right one.
When the idea was first explained to me, it made immediate sense. Applying it consistently has taken longer. I’m getting better at it, but still working on it.
A similar mistake can happen when someone is not ready to talk.
When I ask what is wrong and hear “nothing,” “I’m fine,” or “it’s not a big deal,” I can often sense that it’s not fine and that it does feel like a big deal to them. My instinct is to pull the issue out immediately. Let’s get to the heart of it, fix it, and move forward.
But I also know what it feels like when I’m not ready to talk and someone else wants to force the conversation.
What someone says first may not be the heart of the issue. They may be protecting it, still trying to understand it themselves, or simply not ready to put it into words.
Listening should not become an interrogation. Sometimes the better response is to make it clear that you are available and then give them time.
Being useful begins with understanding what the person needs, not assuming that our default response is the right one.
We don’t always have to solve what we hear. Sometimes the most useful thing we can offer is our full attention.
Sometimes, just listen.
One Action
Ask Before You Answer
The next time someone comes to you frustrated, upset, or needing to vent, pause before offering advice.
Give them your full attention and ask what they need from you at that moment.
Do they want your help in solving the issue? Or do they just want you to listen? Maybe they need a hug, or for you to tell them that you are here for them.
Accept the answer. Give them what they need. Not what you assume they should need.
Reboot - Health & Longevity
Less Protein, Longer Life?
The same pause is useful when a health headline seems to demand an immediate verdict.
In last week’s issue, I recommended prioritizing adequate protein, particularly for people who are physically active or want to preserve muscle as they age. Days later, headlines began suggesting that eating less protein could slow aging or extend life.
They were based on a new paper reviewing more than 350 publications on protein and amino-acid restriction. The important detail is that this was a narrative review, not a new human clinical trial or a meta-analysis.
The review does present some interesting data. Restricting total protein or certain amino acids affects nutrient-signalling, metabolism, cellular maintenance, and other processes associated with aging. In flies, rodents, and other laboratory organisms, some of these interventions extend lifespan. Small, short-term human studies have also reported changes in weight, fasting glucose, insulin sensitivity, and related markers.
But no direct human trial shows that eating less protein makes people live longer. A better metabolic marker over a few weeks is not the same as a longer human lifespan.
The human evidence on the downsides of eating too little protein are well established, however. Even the new 2025–2030 U.S. Dietary Guidelines set a target of 1.2 to 1.6 grams per kilogram per day versus the ancient RDA of 0.8 grams per kilogram per day - a shift in the right direction.
I support the recommendation of some experts for active people to aim for 1.6 to 2.2 grams per kilogram of bodyweight per day. My target remains 2.2 grams (1 gram per pound).
The sensible conclusion is neither “protein makes you age” nor “more is always better.” Don’t fear getting adequate protein because of a provocative headline.
The benefits of getting the adequate amount of protein combined with resistance training for maintaining muscle and reducing all cause mortality are established.
Recommended Reading
Determining Optimal Protein Intake from Data, Not Dogmatism — Peter Attia
Dr. Peter Attia’s detailed review is a useful companion to this week’s REBOOT. He examines how the 0.8 g/kg RDA was established, the limitations of the research behind it, and the case for higher intakes among many active and older adults.
The article predates the 2025–2030 U.S. Dietary Guidelines, which moved closer to Attia’s position.
Inspirational Quote
“Many of the problems I hear don’t require me to offer solutions. I solve most of them by just listening and letting the involved party do the talking.”
— Mary Kay Ash
Readers Corner
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Until next week,
Kevin
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