You’re Right. Now What?
Read on kevferrell.com
Welcome to REWIRE | REBOOT, a weekly newsletter where I share reflections from my ongoing personal growth journey and provide tested ideas, frameworks, tools and practices to help you create the life you want.
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In this issue:
- Rewire - Who’s to Blame?
- One Action - A Day Without Blame
- Reboot - Only You Can Do the Work
Rewire - Idea I'm Exploring
Who’s to Blame?
When something goes wrong, are you quick to look for someone to blame?
Most of us recognize that reflex. It’s easier to point the finger at someone or something else than to look at ourselves.
We see it in the young athlete (or their parent) who blames a teammate for a broken play, an umpire for a bad call, or a coach for not giving them enough playing time. Meanwhile, the questions that could help the athlete improve go unanswered.
How did you play? What could you have done differently? What will you work on before the next game?
We see it at work when a team spends more time defending decisions and rehashing whose fault it was than fixing the problem. The failure has already happened. Now we’re wasting more time.
We do it with political leaders and institutions too. But what are we doing about the things we want to change?
Convincing more people to join the blame party doesn’t solve anything.
Blaming is not action. It’s deflection.
It lets us focus on what someone else did while avoiding the harder question of what we could do.
Even when we screw up, we can be remarkably creative about finding an explanation that puts the responsibility somewhere else. Something someone said. Something we weren’t told.
Before you build that case, put yourself under the microscope.
What part did you play? Were your expectations clear? Were you so busy defending your position that you stopped considering anyone else’s?
There are plenty of times when somebody is in the wrong. Sometimes that person is us.
Accept responsibility for your contribution and for what you do next. You don’t have to wait for anyone else to own their part before you own yours.
I often catch myself looking for somewhere to place blame too. I’ve found examining my own role has been far more useful than trying to prove where the blame belongs.
In an argument, we often start from “I’m right, you’re wrong.” Before defending your position, ask:
What do we agree on? What outcome are we trying to achieve?
We can disagree about how to get somewhere and still want the same result.
Put yourself in the other person’s position and give them some grace. A misunderstanding, a missed detail or a poor decision can cause a problem without anyone intending it. Understanding their perspective gives us a better chance of finding the truth and a way forward.
Sometimes someone has clearly done something wrong. They need to be held accountable, and there may be consequences worth fighting for. But then ask whether continuing to assign blame is accomplishing anything.
Even when the fault belongs entirely to someone else, your response still belongs to you.
Whoever you keep blaming has power over you for as long as you make moving forward depend on them changing, apologizing or admitting you were right.
We can keep score, replay the mistakes and build consensus about whose fault it was. Rehashing what happened won’t undo it or make it fair.
If you want a different result, what can you do to create it?
Own your part. Take the lesson. Then let go of the need to keep assigning blame.
This saying captures the progression well:
“He who blames others has a long way to go on his journey. He who blames himself is halfway there. He who blames no one has arrived.”
One Action
One Day Without Blame
This week, see if you can make it through one day without blaming a single person or thing for anything that happens.
When the impulse shows up, turn the question around: What part of this is mine to own, and what can I do about it?
Someone mishandles a task? Examine your instructions and expectations before listing their mistakes.
Someone makes a remark that bothers you? Check your interpretation and choose your response before lashing out.
Look for your own contribution first. Own it. Then focus on the solution.
The aim is to get past the need to blame anyone and do something useful.
Let me know how it goes.
Reboot - Health & Longevity
Only You Can Do the Work
The same responsibility applies to exercise. If you’re able to exercise but keep putting it off, own that choice. Then decide what you’re going to do about it.
The obstacles can be real. Take responsibility for finding a workable response.
“I’m too tired.”
Sometimes you need more sleep. Make that a priority too. But waiting until you feel energetic before you exercise can keep you stuck. Regular exercise can improve energy and reduce fatigue over time. Start with an amount and intensity you can manage.
“Work is too busy.”
Work is endless. There will always be another email, meeting or deadline. If you wait until everything is finished, exercise will keep getting pushed aside. I find that regular activity helps me perform better at work. It supports mental clarity, cognitive ability and energy levels and helps relieve stress and anxiety. Those benefits are good reasons to protect that time during demanding weeks.
“I have too many family commitments.”
Looking after the people you love includes looking after the person they depend on. Protect some time for exercise, or find an activity you can do together.
“I’m sore.”
Of course, get to the bottom of the cause of the pain and respect what recovery requires. Modify the exercise, load or duration as necessary.
“I don’t like it.”
Find something you enjoy, or at least don’t hate. Walk. Cycle. Swim. Dance. Play a sport. Start with an activity you’re willing to repeat and build from there.
“I don’t have time.”
This is probably the #1 excuse. Be honest about how you use the time you control. Look at your calendar and your screen time. How much goes to scrolling or watching TV? If you can find half an hour to scroll, you can redirect ten of those minutes towards your health.
Put that time in your calendar. Protect it.
I know the temptation to brush it off. When I’m tired, doing something often gives me energy back. Injuries mean modifying the program. Travel sometimes means just 10 squats, 10 push-ups and 10 sit-ups in a hotel room. That minimum keeps the habit alive on the days when a full workout won’t happen.
Keeping a small commitment on a difficult day reinforces the identity you’re building: Someone who shows up and takes care of their health.
Decide what you can do and follow through.
Inspirational Quote
“After a lifetime of blaming others, it is exceedingly difficult for us to finally acknowledge that the only person who has consistently been in all the scenes of that long-running soap opera we call our life is us, and, as a necessary corollary, that we bear some large responsibility for how the drama is turning out.”
— James Hollis, Why Good People Do Bad Things, as quoted in James Clear’s 3-2-1 newsletter.
Readers Corner
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Until next week,
Kevin
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